As per Yael’s request, we hired someone who had a team with some knowledge of botany to help us clear out the ‘bad’ out of the yard so we could then hire someone else to set up a bit of a fence. We have in mind to get in touch with someone who builds up cat play pens so the boys can have somewhere they can discover the outside in safety. All of it Yael’s idea of course but he’s the one with the mind for design and art and all, it makes me think of him as a muse more than a demon. Still, even if he is a muse and not a demon, we are still different from humans in that, well, we’re not humans. Plus, I have come to terms that I do want him in my life for who he is and not what he is.
August is the hottest month, here in Dunkerque. It’s sticky humid. I had forgotten how bad it gets. Not that it’s that bad but it is uncomfortable and I’m now more than glad we have the pool to keep ourselves comfortable with. It’s almost a daily thing now, mostly since we bought that floating thing. It’s like a mattress but it has slightly raised sides and we both fit on there more than comfortably. That and the cats have yet to let their claws out anywhere near it, as if they understand that it’s a big no no.
We settle on the water usually just a little bit before sunrise. The way the building is set up and where the pool is, with one wall with sight to outside, we actually can’t really see the sun as it rises or sets, but we still have a gorgeous view of outside and we can see the sky start to clear up while we’re settled there, just floating and enjoying peace and quiet.
Yael is so affectionate. I had misunderstood what a relationship really was about. Not that it’s a bad way, this is honestly much better. I thought it would be all about doing these sex things to one another, mostly. I guess it’s one of these things that adult books don’t really tell you much about. It’s easier to learn with him. I feel like I’m on a cloud, it’s so perfect. Of course now I wake every day with that issue but after he showed me how he took care of his own trouble, I learned a bit better and I can’t say I’m going to complain to waking up like that. It’s a good, pleasurable start to a day.
Right now, he’s just settled against me, his head nestled on my shoulder (his toes in the water! He’s taller than me somewhat), his legs nestled with mine and he’s just breathing warmly against me. I can understand why he reacted the way he had when I was settled in a similar way last time. We’re on the floater, just relaxing, enjoying the quietness of almost morning. There’s a fine mist of rain outside but I doubt it’ll be enough to cool down the upcoming day.
To keep things from moving too fast though, we’re both wearing our swimsuits. We discussed things through and while we’re both comfortable with the idea of being bare around one another isn’t an issue, we thought that if things started to, you know, rise, it would be a little more private in its own way. Less temptation with being covered too so this is all for the better.
I honestly think he’s dozed off, his breathing is steady and I can feel his heart. I can’t complain. It makes me wonder about how much he was holding back before. Now he’s always at my side if I’m not doing something I need space for. He’s not invading, just there. There are little touches, brush of fingers, brush of lips, that warm, wanting look in his eyes. It makes me so warm inside. I really didn’t know what I was getting into but I like it. I really, really like it. I don’t want to share him with others.
Yesterday, he showed me some of the sketches he’d been doing. I noticed a lot of sketchbooks in that little trunk he keeps under his bed (and I have no idea what the other one is) but he picked out the oldest one. Told me we could start with this one and as things moved along, we could see about the rest. I don’t have much of an issue with that. He really has a talent to capture the emotions in things, to capture the flowing lines. Those sketches are beautiful and I’m not saying that because they were of me. It’s in his art style.
I admit I blushed a lot when he showed me the later pages of the book, some of these sketches were far from innocent. I didn’t ask to know how long he’d been drawing these. I almost feel bad for not having realized how long it’s been since he’s been feeling this way about me. I know I’m dense about these things and my discomfort about the idea of something like a human’s relationship was really present. I’ve realized that it’s not just humans who have this kind of relationship in the end so there isn’t really anything to be fretful of worried about. This is all so natural.
He shifts a little against me, nestling a little closer and I can’t help but breathe a sweet, pleased smile. He feels so right against me, like we were meant to be settled this way. While I’m shorter and I know, in a way, it would make more sense that I’d be the one nestling up to him as I’d fit ‘better’ against him, this feels natural. I can’t help but just appreciate it.
We don’t share a bed, I don’t know that I’m ready for that just yet and our mattresses aren’t the same, his is softer than mine, mine is a lot firmer, we’d have to see if either one of us can sleep in the other’s bed of if we somehow wouldn’t have to get a middle-ground mattress. When we really feel like we have to stay the night together, we end up falling asleep on the couch. It’s wide and comfortable. We wake up with slight kinks in our backs but they get worked out fast enough with a hot shower.
But this kind of sleeping together, just nestled close, floating on the water in the middle of our little oasis is fine and perfect. I just want to hold him this way to the end of the world. I’m not even sure where this need to possess him utterly comes from but it’s all there and I can’t imagine letting anyone else ever have a chance of getting close to him this way. He’s mine, absolutely mine and I won’t share. I refuse to share.