a gray coat

“This is so weird, I was so sure this one was grey.”

“It looks blue to me.” It does. A sort of blue-grey coat though to me it looks bluer than greyer. Though I’m more than aware not everyone sees things the same. We both could be seeing a bright yellow coat but our eyes are telling us that it’s another colour altogether. I can’t help but stare at it though. I know it was grey. Now it is obviously more blue than grey and I can’t recall anyone dumping it into dye to change its colour. I have to admit to being somewhat baffled by this but what can I do about it, really?

I shake my head and laugh lightly, shaking my head. “I can’t even remember where I got this coat from so I guess it doesn’t really matter what colour it is, so long as it’s comfortable for this time of the year and I know it is, at least I think I recall it being warm enough.”

Usually, remembering that kind of thing isn’t an issue, I’ve just been really busy lately. The colours have taken on that beautiful brightness that makes this season so worth it. We’ve had a lot of rain lately though so we decided that today, as it was bright and clear, we were going to go out to the park for a walk. I suppose it’s just a plus that we’re both awake at the proper time right now.

It has crossed my mind a few times that maybe it would be easier to live my life if I had a set schedule, a rounded up hour during which I went to bed and one at which I woke up instead of going to bed when I’m tired and waking up when I’ve rested enough. It’s a lifestyle that suits me enough though and I don’t miss out on that much most of the time.

I look back to the coat briefly and I can’t help the very faintly bitter smile that crosses my lips. I do recall where I got it, lying about it wouldn’t really get me anywhere and it makes me realize that it might be time to change that coat after all, this isn’t doing me much good. Staying latched onto the past like this. “This was Sterling’s coat. I took it by his bed after I found him, before I ran off. It was so big on me then, it’s still a little big now but he was the only family I’d ever had even if he wasn’t really family. Maybe I should change it, huh?”

He shrugs but offers me that little smile of his that essentially goes ‘it’s up to you, you decide what you think is best for you and I’ll support you all the way’. I laugh a little and shake my head. Well it’s the only coat I have at this point. I just haven’t worn it a lot, it’s a mid-season sort of jacket and the last year’s outings were warmer than this and I switched from heavy sweaters to my winter coat without wearing this one.

“Well I’ll have to wear it to the store, I have nothing else to put on and it’s a little too cool for my sweaters. Most of them are in the wash.” All I have left in clean sweaters currently is one that is even older than this coat and it was also Sterling’s. Now that I think about it, I’m going to have to go through my clothes and get rid of a few different things, especially if I want to finally move on. This should help.

“I could let you have one of mine?” I can’t help but blink at him and laugh again just a little, a soft sound. He’s slighter than me, shorter than me. I don’t know that any of his clothes would fit me. He’s the one who stole one of my shirts for sleeping in, after all.

“I appreciate the offer, Quentin, but I think that might not work out, I’d be squeezed to non-breathing terms if I was to wear one of your coats. I think that just this one last time I can wear this one as we go and get me a new one, that sounds alright?” He doesn’t look convinced but I guess it can’t be blamed. I told him about the nightmares, at least the part where I saw Sterling again and he’s been trying all he can to get me to think about things that have nothing to do with my past. It’s been working well enough, my nights have been calmer. Though his sleeping next to me helps too.

So I do shrug on the coat and we step outside into the chilly autumn air. The colours are beautiful but it makes it a little difficult to want to spend that much time outside, the chill is honestly a little biting. It wasn’t this cool last year at this point so this is a bit off-putting.

We don’t have long a walk to cover so I just hunch my shoulders a little and I walk at his side. We’re not holding hands yet though we’ve done it in public before. We should have put on some gloves that would have made the outing a little more comfortable. We’re walking almost shoulder to shoulder though and it’s comforting enough. This peaceful little walk of silence. It’s a good sort of silence.

Twenty minutes before we’re stepping into a quiet little boutique. They have all those huge find-everything-you’re-looking-for places closer to downtown, everything is cheaper but it also falls apart after just a few uses so we both decided long enough ago that we preferred paying a bit more for what we wore but at least we knew it would last us.

I browse the aisles a bit, looking at this and that. I try to keep away from grey, that might just bring back memories I’m trying to forget. I find a lovely deep green sort of coat and I try it on. It fits just fine, the sleeves are down to my knuckles and I grin a little bit like a kid in a candy store. I love long sleeves. The neck is high and there’s a hood to it so it’s really comfortable.

I head up to the counter and look around to locate Quentin, he’s trying on a pair of gloves and he has a couple of scarves on his shoulder. I guess he’s buying that extra stuff I haven’t really given much thought to. He’s used to having a bit more of a comfortable life than me. I realize I still end up going to thrift stores at times, I’m so used to it.

He wanders back up to the counter and everything is paid for. The old coat ends up in the bag instead of the new one and I walk out of the store warm and comfortable. I shift the bag from my left to my right and I can’t help but reach for his hand, fingers curling a little. Now that I’m not cringing into the shoulders of my old coat for warmth, I think I can enjoy the walk back home a little more. Still it’s chilly but not enough to make me want to stick my fingers back up my sleeves.

His hand is warm in mine and it reminds me that I’m lucky enough to have him for myself, that I might just never have to share him with anyone else and it makes everything better. There’s nothing else I would rather have in the world than this just now. It’s worth everything else.


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