say it again

The way his eyes lit up when I finally gathered the courage to say those words. These emotions still feel so new to me. Frightening in their own way but I’m aware and I know that what I feel for him is real. It isn’t just about desire or lust or hormones. We’ve only really ‘been’ together for about four months now but we’ve lived under the same roof for nearly a year. I knew from the start that there was something between us, that there would be a bond stronger than that of friendship, I was just afraid of moving too fast. I was afraid of stepping where I shouldn’t have.

“Say it again.” His voice is soft, a little dreamy. He looks at me with those icy blue eyes. When I first met him I thought he was blind though it didn’t make sense, he couldn’t have drawn what he had if he’d been blind. I reach out and brush my fingers over his cheek ever softly. He’s trembling and my lips quirk lightly, not quite playfully, it’s more a pleased, content sort of smile.

A small part of me wants to jump his bones and I don’t know where it came from. It’s a sudden desire but I’m not even sure how I’d go about doing that kind of thing so I repress it. I see the hope in his eyes begin to fade lightly and I shake my head. “Just thinking about how much I want you in my life and trying to see if there isn’t anything else I can do to make it all better.”

These are not the words he wanted to hear again, I can see it in his face, in his eyes and he sighs but doesn’t move from his spot. He’s settled on me. We’re on the couch, we stopped watching whatever it was that was on television a little while ago. Make out sounded the better way to pass time. We’re still fully clothed, we always take our time to explore every little bit of one another. I smile at him again and I brush some hair from his face. “I love you, Yael.”

There, his eyes brighten up again and he breathes another sweet note. He presses his face to my chest as if to hide from the world and I’m sure I would feel his blush if I still wasn’t wearing my shirt. I can see the redness on his cheeks even from this angle. If he wants to half-hide from me I won’t take that away from him. It’s his right to try to hide the delicious blush that cover his cheeks and make him all the more desirable.

For a long time we don’t move from our spots, just pressed together, relaxing and appreciating the present moment for all it is. As I begin to feel myself drift towards a desire for sleep however I gently shake his shoulder. We would both be more comfortable in bed and it would leave us with less kinks to worry about come morning.

He pulls away and stretches before holding his hands out to me and I smile at him before easing up to my feet. We both still essentially sleep in different beds, mostly by the fact that all my clothes are in my room and his in his own but we’ve been sharing a bed to sleep in since his nightmares.

We both head out different ways, mostly to get some sleeping clothes on since the air is cool and while sleeping naked is wonderful it isn’t all that comfortable. We meet back up in the middle with a laugh and I turn back to head to my room and he follows. I suppose at some point we’ll either transform either one of our room into something else and transfer whoever’s clothes into the bedroom that will remain. That will be another beautiful step forward for us.

I move to sit on the bed, pulling the sheets up to me comfortably as he settles next to me. I turn to face him, cup his face in my hands and I kiss him softly, tenderly. I pull back just barely, letting my lips brush his still. “I love you.”

These words will not lose their meaning any time soon but now that I’ve found the courage to utter them they feel so much more powerful. He shivers lightly against my lips, beneath my fingers and he presses his lips back to mine to seal the breathing gap that I had allowed to come between us.

Sleep finds us easily, nestled together, tangled to a point with the sheets and blankets pulled up to our necks. This is a warm and comfortable embrace we share and I don’t think anything could really ruin it at this point. Part of me is aware that we could lose everything (or almost, I’d be more than a little saddened to lose Areli and Lavi!) and I’d still be happy because I have him with me. He’s the most important person to me.

He nuzzles my shoulder in his rest and nestles a little closer still. I can’t fault him for seeking warmth. I would do the same in his position, after all.

I wake up after a few hours and just watch him sleep, feel him resting against me. The slow rise and fall of his chest, the way his fingers twitch slightly to go with whatever it he’s dreaming about. At times I wonder what it would be like in his mind, in his dreams. I know I can’t see any of that but it doesn’t hurt to wonder about that kind of thing.

He stills after a few moments and I almost hold my breath, part of me wondering if somehow I woke him up but he sleeps on, his breathing steady. Just settled into another point of his sleep pattern. I’m just glad he seems to no longer be having the nightmares that left him waking up screaming. Those terrified me. Mostly because I didn’t know how to make any of it better.

When he does wake just an hour or so later, he looks up to me with those slightly dazed, sleepy eyes. He rubs one, then the other and he smiles at me. “I had the most beautiful of dreams.”

I quirk a brow at him as he slowly sits up and stretches, yawning widely. Now that I can mostly move again I follow suit, sitting up and stretching the numbness out of my limbs. I’m not going to prod, he rarely leaves his sentences unfinished like this and he hasn’t really hidden any dreams from me recently. Some are a lot more vivid than others.

“I dreamed that you’d said… well those words.” Ah, he thinks he’s dreamed it all and he’s afraid of uttering them in case I might not be comfortable with the idea of saying them yet myself, that’s sweet in a way I guess. I lean closer to him, just brushing my lips to his tenderly and I can’t help the playful grin that finds me.

“I love you, Yael.”


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