absolute discord

My gift is hardly a gift, it is more a curse than anything else. It’s why I’m so glad I have a little bit of my brother’s gift with me at all times. It helps to keep things dormant, it helps me have better control over something that might otherwise send the whole area into utter and absolute discord. I’ve been to places when I was younger, before I had my brother’s gift with me and there were wars. I know they’re my fault and at times these memories wake me at night.

I try not to think about it too much but it’s not always easy. I have realized, over the years, that by forcing myself away from Eoghan, I thought I was helping myself, I thought that by being still too long I would turn to strife and discord but I was wrong. It’s hard not to think that my whole life could ruin his if I stopped wearing this little bit that is all my brother could afford to give me. The last thing I want is to ruin him in any way and I guess it’s what has kept me leaving him again and again for such long periods of time. It breaks my heart now that I think about it. I was only doing it for his own good, is what was on my mind but I was a fool and I hurt the both of us as I did it.

He shifts slightly against me, breathes warmly in his sleep and I just sigh and screw my eyes shut. It makes me want to cry, lately, when I think that I could have lost everything I have now if I hadn’t come back. I think he was starting to be ready to move on though he might not have realized it. I pull him just a little closer, barely. I just want to feel him against me, make sure he’s not going anywhere at all.

I know I can control my gift. When I was younger though, I thought that it might help him along into insanity. He’d get such bad headaches when we first met, I was sure that I was my fault. That somehow my chaotic pull was weakening him and letting all those voices into his head. I felt terrible about it all and yet I know that most of it, none of it really, was my fault.

He was still so young when I first met him, just a teenager really. He had little to no control over his own gift. He was living in a cave when I first met him, a literal cave! It was away from the world I guess and it kept him from hearing everything. I don’t know if he grew up with his parents or not. My finding him in that cave makes me think that this is not the case. I suppose it might be what brought us together. I grew up with my brother and no parents either myself. I know it’s not that common a theme amongst gifted, demons as most call us. I’ve been through a lot of different places where parents were cherishing their children as best as they could.

So I guess the four of us are linked in that way. I’m usually a little wary of letting new people into my life, especially gifted souls, it comes from my own uncertainties but some people just manage to sneak in closer than others.

Eoghan is one of those. At first I told myself I was just making sure he was all right, that he wasn’t starving but before long he was more important than just another one of ‘them’. The gifted ones who are abandoned by their owns. I’ve met a few but they weren’t all that common and pity is all I felt at first. He changed me and in a way I guess I changed him.

He shifts again and I pull my mind back to the surface. I really need to try and stop focusing on these things when we’re trying to sleep. I’ve been losing rest over this lately and it’s not doing me much good. His eyes are hazy but he’s focused on me. I feel him probe lightly at my mind and I just smile at him sheepishly, I shake my head. “I’m sorry, I was just thinking back about how I always thought I would destroy you if I stayed with you too long. It just took me too long to wrap my head around that and I’m sorry.”

He smiles at me in that sleepy, pleased sort of smile and he moves in, kisses me just lightly before he’s near literally flopped back against me with a yawn. This is his ‘there’s nothing to apologize for, I love you’ thing he does when he just feels the need to sleep but knows he still has a point to get across. It makes me smile every time really. It’s not long before his breathing evens out against my shoulder and I try to let my mind drift off.

I don’t really remember my dream if I had any. It’s honestly rare that I recall them and I suppose I would have to ask Eoghan about them if I really wanted to know but it’s not that important. I feel mostly refreshed when the first few rays of light start to peek through the curtains. I move my hand about slightly and I don’t feel him next to me. I blink and listen for a moment, I can hear the shower going. It’s rare that he’s up before me but he might have plans for the rest of the day, that or an appointment somewhere.

He still does his own thing, I would never force him down and tell him that he can only do what I say is safe for him, that would be one of those foolish things I try not to do too often anymore.

He comes out of the bathroom, towel over his hips and he smiles sweetly at me before he’s joining me back on the bed. His hair is still just slightly moist but it’s mostly dry. He nestles down against my side as if he hadn’t just gotten washed and I have to laugh a little. “Now what’s this about?”

He nuzzles my shoulder lightly and shrugs, lips quirked to a grin. “I woke up and I had to deal with an issue and you looked so peaceful that I took a shower instead. You needed the sleep so don’t start with those wide eyes and feigned hurt that I had a shower instead.”

Well, I was going to half-complain but instead I just stick my tongue out at him and I hug him closer to my side again. This is where I feel he belongs and this is where I like him to be at. In a perfect world I think I would never want to leave this bedroom and I’d want him here with me permanently. This isn’t a perfect world but it’s not too far from and it’s just fine for me. “I suppose I needed the sleep, still, next time, you know how much it means to me to help you, so just wake me, yes?”

“I’ll think about it.” He snickers lightly and I know that’s essentially a no. He has my well-being at heart, I can’t blame him for that.

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