childless

I don’t know how much longer I can live in this apartment. All the rumours are driving me batty. There’s always something going on with these old coots. Even before the new owners it was how such and such companies were out to destroy the world and they were evil. Before that it was how the woods a distance off from us were haunted. I’m aware that it’s rare for rumours to hold any positive light but it’s starting to drag me down. I wonder if these guys ever saw life in a positive light. I wonder if they’ve ever been married, if they’ve ever had kids. Is that why they’re so bitter and chattery together?

I can’t honestly afford to look for another apartment. This one is perfect, the rent is just right and the route to get to work and back is almost perfect. The bus is a couple of corners away and it takes me directly there. There are a few shopping places on the way and I can get my groceries on the way home. I can only walk certain distances without my leg beginning to hurt in a really bad way and my routine is settled.

I’m more than aware that I might end up like these guys when I get old, too. No one really looks at me twice because of my leg, because of the brace, because of everything really. I’ll never have someone to love or call my own though I did when I was younger but they were taken away from me. It’s likely I’ll never have children of my own either because of my job (I can just barely afford my day to day life as it is), because of my life as a whole and mostly because I don’t want kids to have to suffer the way I have growing up. I’ve mostly accepted my life as it is but it took painful years to get where I’m at. I don’t want anyone else to suffer this way. At least if they’re in my life.

I haven’t seen the strange twins again. It might be because of my schedule or maybe because they’ve moved elsewhere, I wouldn’t fault them. This place is filled with older, retired folks mostly and they yap-yap-yap and complain and ugh. I only ever picked this place because it was in my price range and it wasn’t too far from work and everything else. I guess this is a nice spot for retirees even if it’s not a retirement home. I don’t know that any home would want these folks for all the complaining they do.

I caught a glimpse of one of the owner again, the same as before, the ever so tall one. I don’t think he has knowledge of these rumours or he does and he doesn’t really care about them. He was standing tall, smiling and just looking happy to be alive. I’m glad at least someone in these halls has some joie de vivre. I wish I could talk to him, ask him about the rumours but I don’t know that anyone should be approached this way for that kind of information. It’s best to just not think too much about it.

* * * *

I don’t know all the residents yet. I don’t make it my job to but I try to at least be aware of who is living where. I know we have a young (by my terms, I think he’s in his late twenties) librarian living near the top floor. He walks with a limp and a crutch. I can’t sense much from him and I try not to. Eoghan would do better at reading him than me and I don’t really want to. When I’ve crossed him down in the halls though he looked life-worn and I suppose that living in this place might do that kind of thing to someone younger.

Most of our residents are older, retired folks. A lot more men than women and they take up a lot of room in the common room downstairs with their discussion about how the world is going to hell because of this or that. They have a rumour going that we’re spawns of the devil and it amuses me in a way. In just a couple of months more we’ll never have to deal with them ever again so I don’t worry too much about it.

The librarian though, I don’t know why I worry about him. He’s mortal and human like the rest of the residents in this place. There’s just something about him. I suppose he might remind me of someone I met when I was much younger. I know that not all humans are bad, that not all of them are corrupted and would hunt us down. Though I’m also aware that plenty of them would more than likely just try to use us for our gifts and it’s not better. At times though, I come across the rare almost-gem. That one soul who has been mistreated enough to make it wary of everything else.

I shouldn’t dwell much on it. Before long I’ll be leaving all of this behind and never coming back to this building. Then why is it I feel like, by doing this, I might be leaving behind someone who could use a helping hand? It makes no sense. I’ll have to talk to Eoghan about what’s going on through my mind. It’s not as if we can have him move in with us. The point of the warehouse being renovated is that we can be ourselves without having to really hide who and what we really are. Adding a mortal human into our midst would pretty much defeat that purpose.

It might just be passing folly, I’m sure it’s just because he reminds me of something from the past. I know some humans, when they die, are reborn. That whole soul seeking a new body sort of thing. Some retain memories of past lives, some remember and some keep those dormant until the rest of their lives. It’s rare for past lives to resurface in souls but I’ve seen it happen. Is this what this is about? Is he the reborn soul of someone I’ve known long ago? Only Eoghan might be able to answer this and it usually takes a lot of work to get that information. I don’t think he’s ever tried to pry that kind of information out of a mortal’s mind. It might not even be feasible.

I have to focus on what’s happening now and on what we’re doing now. I’ll bring it up briefly to Eoghan and I’ll leave it to him to be his charming self and talk to the librarian, see if he can’t find out anything about him. After all, it happens now and again that the building’s manager goes around talking to its tenants to make sure everything is fine, all right and dandy.

For now, I have several commissions waiting to be finished and I need to focus on that. I need to shut everything of the world outside of my mind, the detail work on these pieces is important and requires a lot of patience which I seem to be in short supply as of lately. I’m not sure what’s the matter with me but this needs taken care of, the sooner the better at this point, too.

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