The word is simple but the meaning so deep, there is no escaping that kind of word, even if you think you might somehow sweep it under the rug to hide it away. This word, spoken as a promise to me when things still were going well, had filled me with warmth and love. Had filled me to the brim and near to exploding with happiness.
Some forevers are just cut shorter than others, there is no helping it or stopping it. My forever was taken away from me by a hit and run who never looked back. Just sped up and drove away. That kind of word, I’d had had some time to get used to it though it was always fresh on my mind. Now I know I will more than likely never get it back. I think that those who might accept me and love me so openly as he did are rare and I’d just found my one, now he’s no more and I’ve tried my best to not let that weigh me down too much.
It’s been a very difficult battle, one I nearly lost several times but still I’ve walked on, kept going until I met walls, when I came to those, I thought of the best ways to overcome them. It puts me to where I am now, working my best to move on, to let him be in peace as well. I’ve finally archived the last phone message I ever received from him. All of his things I’ve put in boxes, now I just need to decide on what I’ll do with these boxes. The idea honestly scares me a little. I know I need to grow stronger, this is just very painful a step to take.
I’ll manage, I know I will, I might just need a little bit of time to make sure I can handle the idea of putting him, finally, to the back of my mind. Never completely out of my heart, this is something I can’t do but I can move on.
I love my brother. Not in any way that might seen as wrong by this society and even if I did that I would not stop. He’s my brother, he’s half of me, we complete one another and we might just need to share when someone comes into our lives, should they.
Twins are rare in the family. That’s what our sister says. We were the first in about ten or so generations. Usually twins are weak, their powers are literally shared and they’re shunned. We each have our own gift. We’re strong.
When Zora said that usually twins were shunned for their weaknesses and at times the stronger-minded and usually bodied one decided that he (or she) wanted to be part of the family and killed their own twin, I promised to myself that I would never do this. I will protect my brother forever. There is nothing that can actually physically stop me from doing this, unless somehow I’m missing some limbs or whatever.
I know, at this point, that it’s unlikely anyone will hurt us, at least no one in the family since we no longer have a family to turn to. The guys at the top are nice though, they let us come around, they teach us more about the language, they welcome us with warm smiles and open arms. The folks in the side building are really nice too, Agni loves their pool to death. He swims a lot better than me at this point so this is mostly why I’m a little uncomfortable around water but I know I’m safe, he keeps me safe and I do the same for him. It’s how we work, there’s no changing that.
We’re twins, we’re linked, together forever in one way or another.
“So you’ve painted us in the time of the hippies, the time of war, the renaissance, are you going to stop somewhere or just keep on going back in time until we’re just floating around in space?” His words are soft, gently teasing and amused, I know he means no harm and I chuckle softly, shaking my head.
“I just want to cover all bases, I feel like we’ve been together, not just in body but there’s a little part of us, I don’t know how to explain it. It just feels like we’ve been together for all the eternity that has gone by already and I’m just putting it down with pencil scratching and paint.” I smile up at him, he’s standing behind me, looking over this latest masterpiece.
Most of them are small, usually on canvas no taller than four or five inches. They’re small, little pocket paintings, it’s what I call them.
He curls his arms about my shoulders, resting his head lightly against me. I sigh and lean back against him, closing my eyes and listening to his heartbeat, feeling the warmth of him, just appreciating the peace I know I have with him when it’s just the two of us together. It feels so good.
“Well, I love you,” I blush softly at his whisper words, “and nothing will change that. I know what you’re talking about, that connection we have. I think I felt something like that when I first saw that graffiti of yours on the wall. It just pulled to me. It’s an old pull but it’s strong and that’s why we’re together now.”
He pauses and squeezes again, I just relax utterly against him. This is perfect. “I want to believe in reincarnation. I want to believe that we were together before, again and again and again. That our souls are linked and that we’re not going anywhere away from one another.”
I could weep for how much that fills me with joy.
“How long since last time?” I laze, settled half on him, against him. My head to his shoulder, our legs twined together. I feel the shift of him when he laughs under me and I close my eyes with a quietly pleased note.
“Too long ago.” Too long ago, for both of us when we’re having this discussion, is usually more than twenty-four hours. We’re strange that way but as far as us being together this way, sharing our love for one another, we’re very physical. I think we’re still making up for all those years we spent apart, not really knowing better in that we could actually manage to stay together. We may have had quite the life behind us at this point, we still are learning new things to this day.
I want to believe that someone might just die if they stop learning so I try to learn something new every day.
His arm, curled about my waist, hugs me closer and I squirm to nestle as close as I can manage. I laugh softly as I know this is just the beginning of more time spent in this private, perfect room. We’ve been appreciating the quiet of the apartment, the size of it, the fact that we don’t have to hide anything away from anyone here. Adela has a room with a view and I see her more now than I had before when she was in her near-closet, we have books out and about, we have decorations, so many memories hanging up on the walls from all the travelling we’ve done.
It’s our home, it’s us. It’s who we are and who we want to be until the very end of days. That’s all there is to that.