It’s ugly. In that oh-god-why-did-you-buy-this ugly. I don’t know why he bought it. It’s ugly as can be and I wish I could just never look at it again. However seeing as it is in his room and he seems to like it so much I have to look at it every time I look in on him in his room. It’s hard to miss, sitting there on his desk. I wish I could know why he bought it at all. I’m not even sure if I should be telling him about how ugly it is since he seems to like it so much.
“Mira?” it’s been hard enough to open up to anyone after my little blow up with Zora but she was pushing too far, talking about how our parents would have been sad that my room is a mess. At least at work at the library I don’t have to spend too much time around him I can just focus on putting away the books and everything else.
I know he’s only been trying to be helpful. He looks at me in that way that’s just a little annoying because I know he wants to know what’s wrong with me but I’m not ready to tell him yet.
He looks up from the book he’s reading, sitting there at his desk and I try not to look at the lamp, I know my distaste for it would be clear as day on my face. “Yeah?”
I focus on him instead but I can’t help but look at the lamp. It’s—I’m not sure what it’s supposed to be, honestly.
“I thought we could talk?” At least my voice sounds mostly normal to my ears and I can save myself from cringing if I’d sounding anything but normal. He nods and turns to face me but he doesn’t move from his chair. I groan inwardly.
“I thought we could talk outside? It’s nice out, not too humid yet. There’s a breeze.” My attempt is pathetic and I can’t help it. His lamp bothers me though I now in time I might get used to it but not right now.
He shrugs and shakes his head though he does turn back to his book to close it and then he slips from his chair and he walks through his perfectly clean bedroom and out to me. I smile at him best I can but I know it’s a weak sort of smile. This talk isn’t even about how ugly that desk lamp is anyway.
“So what did you want to talk about?” He’s settled next to me, we’re just sitting side by side in the swinger. I look towards the building a moment then back at him. I suppose I’m building up my courage. I’ve never felt I needed courage to talk to him before but anything that has to do with our parents is a bit of a sensitive subject.
I breathe in, let it out and breathe in again. “That fight I had with Zora-“
His eyes light up as I murmur those particular words. I guess he’s been waiting and hoping that I eventually talk to him about it. I manage a weak smile though it feels fake so I let it drop and he sighs in turn.
“The saddest part of that fight is that she was trying to get me to clean up my room but she brought up mom and dad, how they’d be sad that my room was always such a mess and that I was much cleaner when I was younger and I just lost it.” I shrug and he looks at me a moment. I know he’s not judging me but I still wait for his answer, not sure what to expect.
Instead of words, as it usually is with us, we work better with actions, he hugs me. I shift my weight and I press against him, I hide my face against his shoulder and I feel the ache and sorrow of the loss of our parents wash over me all over again. We might have been too young to really realize when we were swept away by Zora to the safety of elsewhere but when I think about it now it hurts so much that I don’t know what to do with myself. We lost our parents when we didn’t even really understand how important they were to us.
The hot wetness of tears travel down my face and suddenly I’m realizing that I’m crying and I’m crying hard. My shoulders shake, the air has to battle the rest of me to get into my lungs and all Mira is doing is holding me. It’s all he can do after all and I’m grateful for his presence.
I’ve always thought I was the strongest of the two of us. I protected him after he was molested though I wish I could have protected him from it as a whole. But now he’s just holding me, a strong wall of confidence and I just cry away all the sorrow I’ve gathered over the last years of my life since we’ve lost our parents.
One of these days he might have this break down too and I’ll do all I can to be there for him. It’s all I can promise myself.
I don’t know how much time pass before the tears finally stop though it takes a long enough time. My lungs ache from all the crying and I just ache everywhere and I can’t begin to imagine how Mira might ache from how tightly I’ve held onto him while I had myself my little break down.
When I pull away from him, he only smiles at me, that warm, adoring smile that he’s only ever had for me. I manage the hint of a smile myself and he wipes what’s left of the tears from my cheeks.
Shakily I pull myself to my feet and I offer him my hands, he takes them and pulls himself up. We head back inside without much of a word.
It’s when we’re in the hallway between our two rooms that he stops me. He looks towards his door then mine and an amused sort of smile creeps up to his lips, I have to wonder why.
“So you hate my desk lamp that bad, huh?”
I don’t know if I can hide the surprise from my face so I can only blink at his question, wondering where it comes from. “I guess it looks a little weird?”
“To be honest, I don’t know what I was thinking when I bought it. I needed a lamp for my desk and it was there. I think I wanted another one but this one was closer, laziness on my part.”
A soft laugh bubbles up to the surface and I shake my head a little. “We could go out tomorrow after work and see about getting the both of us better desk lamps, if you want?”
He nods and smiles. Again he just hugs me to himself and I close my eyes, hugging back as tightly as I can muster. I need him in my life the way he needs me, it’s just that simple. I don’t know that I could survive anything the world throws at me if he’s not with me in some way. I need to cherish him to the end of the world, even when I know he’s bound to find someone to love. I know I might too but I’m in no rush for that, we’ve got plenty of time.
“You want some help cleaning up your room?”
Again I blink at him and I look towards my door and I can’t help the slightly sheepish smile that finds my lip. I shrug lightly but I nod just barely a few moments later. “I guess I could do with a little help. Thanks, Mira.”
“You’re my brother, I’m not going anywhere without you.”