“Don’t look.” The words, whispered in my ears, send a shiver down my spine. I don’t know how to feel. We were just out walking when he suddenly moved from besides me to behind me and he covered my eyes. I trust him, with everything I am but this baffles me. I don’t understand what’s going on.
“Quentin?” I murmur his name around a lump forming in my throat, I don’t know why I’m suddenly uncomfortable, suddenly afraid. He wouldn’t do something like this unless he had an absolutely valid reason and I can imagine that he does, I just don’t know what it is.
“I want you to turn around to face me. Keep your eyes closed. When you’re facing me, you can open your eyes but only look at me, do you understand?” It is not often that he tells me what to do like this but I know he has to have his reason, really. I close my eyes and I nod slightly. He doesn’t move his arms or his hands from my eyes so I slowly turn around, best as I can, in the confined space of his hold. Once I’m facing him and I feel his hands move from the back of my head to my shoulders, I open my eyes and I tip my head down just slightly, barely, to look at him in confusion.
There’s an uncertain sort of smile on his lips, the sad sort of smile that I’ve come to know over the time I’ve been with him as being his ‘there’s something wrong but I don’t want you to worry about things’ smile. I frown but he shakes his head and lifts his hands again to rest them to my cheeks, to keep me looking at him.
“You’re scaring me, Quentin.” The words still are low as they escape my throat, I don’t know that I can speak any more loudly right now. Everything feels wrong, as if it all is tied with a single line that could snap at any given moment.
“I know, I’m sorry. We’re going to keep walking in this direction now. No looking back to the way we were walking just moments ago, promise me.” Now I know there’s something wrong behind me but I trust him. I nod slowly and he releases my cheeks.
“I promise, Quentin.” I know he’s only looking out for me. I still don’t know if it’s Sterling’s death or something else that might have happened to me while I was young but the nightmares are always easy to find me. I might see a poor animal squished on the side of the road and I’ll have at least one bad dream about it. When I saw that poor man get killed just about in front of my eyes it took weeks before I slept easier. Of course it is what brought Quentin and me together but that’s not really the point.
Finally, he moves from in front of me to my side, he settles his arm along my waist and he guides me away. I walk with him. I feel a little numb but I know that’s sort of natural. I know my night will be uncomfortable but there will be nothing to fuel the nightmares I usually get. Whatever was hidden from me will remain hidden and that is all there is to that.
When we’re two corners away, he lessens his hold on my waist slightly and only now do I realize that he had been holding onto me tightly, not just holding but guiding. He was making sure we were getting away from whatever that was without my looking back. I’m thankful for that.
“Was it really bad?” My voice comes a little easier now though it still is absolutely soft. He leans his head briefly against my shoulder as he stops and I stop with him. He sighs, looks into the distance then he straightens and looks up to me. He tries to smile but I know he won’t really manage and it’ll be forced.
“It wasn’t too bad but I still didn’t want to chance it.” His words are gentle and warm, there is no accusation in there that I can tell.
“I’m sorry I’m so easily prone to nightmares.” I can’t help myself. At times I feel like there are some things we don’t do because of how easily it is for me to fall into the realm of the dark and frightening when I sleep. He squeezes my waist again and I turn slightly to face him, he follows the motion and he pulls me into an embrace that is comforting in ways I have no words. I rest my head to the top of his as he squeezes me tightly.
“You have nothing to be sorry about. You have nightmares and my temper is terrible. We both have issues and all we can do is work on them as best as we can.” I nod as I straighten and he releases me. It makes sense.
I’m almost jittery now that we’re back home. We’d gone on the walk because the day had been so peaceful we still had an extra bit of energy to use up before we could sleep. Now I feel like I might never sleep and I know it’s not all that good a thing. I pace near the foot of the bed as I listen to the sounds of the shower. I could have gone in to share with him and I don’t know why I didn’t. It just didn’t feel right this one time. It doesn’t matter. I had a shower this morning and it was enough. The air outside still is humid to the point of mild discomfort during the day but it’s easier in the evenings and I haven’t really sweated that bad. At least, I don’t think I have and I don’t think I smell.
When he comes out of the bathroom with a towel about his waist, I’ve finally managed to settle down on the edge of the bed but I still feel restless. He tilts his head to the side at the sight of me and chuckles softly before he steps closer. As if to catch my attention, he gently tugs on a lock of my hair. I turn my gaze to him, questioning and he smiles softly. “How about you go and take a bath? That should relax you, no?”
I do ponder the idea of a bath for a moment, it could be an interesting idea but I’m not big on baths. I could have a go at the steam shower too, just sitting while I turn into a lobster but that doesn’t really appeal either. I shrug, a sheepish sort of smile to my lips as he rounds to his side of the bed. I slip to the other side and I crawl in, willing myself to relax.
When he settles in, I shift closer, the motions automatic at this point and I nuzzle his shoulder with a sigh. This is my favourite spot in the world. I admit that nightmares have helped me grow closer to him, they brought us to sharing a bed, so they’re not all bad. I’m not saying I wish I had a nightmare every time something needed done in our lives but it has helped somewhat to this day.
He curls his arm about my waist and I sigh, just closing my eyes. “I’m sorry if I don’t sleep well tonight, Quentin.”
He turns his head, pressing his lips to my forehead and I can almost sense the curl of his lips against my skin, he’s smiling. “Nightmares or not, Yael, we just sleep, we rest. We work through the night, then the day, then the following night and so on. You know as well as I do that I’ll always make sure you’re as comfortable here in my arms as you can be.”
“Thank you, Quentin.” These emotions still choke me up every time, I have a hard time believing he’s accepting me for who I am and he’s accepted this love with share. It’s so beautiful.