I wish I’d never seen __________

“I can’t get that image out of my mind. No matter what I try to think about, that image is still there, right in my face and nothing makes it go away. Make it go away, Cyrille, this is your fault.”

“How is this my fault?” He sounds completely startled as he looks towards my complaining brother. I wish I’d never seen what I just did either but I know it wasn’t really his fault. There just was someone out there who screwed up in a bad way. I mean honestly, hardcore porn trailers before a PG-13 movie? That’s either in really, really poor taste or it’s just one of the worst mistake of someone’s life and I bet someone will be losing their job over this.

“You said this movie would be awesome!”

“You have to give him that much, Agni, that movie was pretty awesome, the porn trailers aside. The 3D effects were really something, I’d never seen anything like that before, I felt like I could reach out and just touch things.”

“Thank you Mira.”

“Stop taking his side, you traitor. You can’t tell me you weren’t disturbed by what was on that screen.”

“Well of course I was, I still am, but I’m not going to lose sleep over it. I’ll look at pretty pictures of kittens and puppies when we get home and that’ll be that.”

Just a step behind me, Cyrille laughs and shakes his head. “You’ve discovered online, safe alternative to eye-bleach, huh?”

I just grin at him while Agni continues to complain softly under his breath. “Yeah, I found this site a while back that called itself MindBleach. It has adorable pictures of kittens. You can even rate them and whatnot. You just click on the picture and it takes you to the next one. It’s interesting.”

“It sounds completely pointless.”

“You’re an absolute baby at times, Agni.” I murmur, teasing him and he pouts as we step outside into the chilly autumn air. It’ll be winter soon, I don’t know if I’m looking forward to it or not. “It’s useful, really. Load it up on your laptop when we get home and look at a few pictures, see if that doesn’t clear you up.”

Cyrille fights back a snicker and I chuckle, amused while I knew I probably shouldn’t have been. I can’t help it. The scene was bad, the woman’s voice was aggravating and it was only for a few moments, there were a lot of yelling in the theatre as it happened but then they played the movie and they gave us a free pass for another movie to make up for it. It wasn’t really all that bad in the long run.

I had the ‘sex’ talk with Eoghan not that long ago. It was interesting to watch him turn several shades of red while Alexis was just standing beside him, looking amused more than anything else. Of course it wasn’t ‘I want to have sex, how do I?!’ kind of talk, it was just the ‘I’ve looked around online, I’ve seen stuff, how much of it can actually be trusted’ kind of thing. I admit to have looked at one porno or two though they usually were gay men together. I don’t know if it’s Élodie’s thing with Agni or I’m just that way but seeing woman nude just doesn’t appeal to them and looking at their private parts when they are nude interests me even less.

Once in the car, Agni actually quiets, breathing a deep sigh. We all buckle up as Cyrille starts us on the way home. “Okay, fine, I suppose I might have overreacted but it did look pretty weird, she was almost screaming and he was just pounding away at her and just, no, not really, no thank you.”

He pauses there, actually seeming to wait until we’re at a red-light before he continues. “And I hope to everything that this isn’t what your sister had in mind when she invited me out for that coffee back then because now I’m double-ew about it all. I have no issues with women but that just ruined it all for me.”

Cyrille twitches lightly and I think I’m glad we’re stopped. He gags for a moment though he shakes his head and punches Agni lightly on the shoulder. “Dude, I do not want to think about what my sister might or might not like when she sleeps around!”

Point for Cyrille, that is a bit creepy when I think about it, at least I think it might be. I have no issues with seeing my brother naked but I figure that I might not be all that comfortable around him more than likely being with someone else. It’s not something we’ve really broached as a subject and I guess I have nothing to really compare it to.

Agni mumbles an apology before he falls quiet and the rest of the ride home is done in silence with only the radio playing quietly. Once we’re home, the car parked and everyone out, I look up to the sky, hugging my coat a little closer to myself.

“I know it’s none of my business, Cyrille and you’re more than free to completely ignore my question, I’m just curious. Are you active?” The question almost comes out as a murmur, nearly inaudible. He pauses by me and merely offers me one of those smiles that I think he should have on his face more often, it makes him look absolutely, I don’t know, dashing?

“I’ve been, I mean I’m not a virgin anymore. It happened a handful of times but we didn’t work out and we’ve gone our separate ways. I haven’t been since.” His words are quiet but honest. I feel my cheeks warm, knowing I really didn’t have any right to ask him that question and I’m not even sure why I asked him in the first place.

“Well I’m not and I don’t think Agni is.” My brother looks back our way, his cheeks as deep as his hair. His eyes are wide and he turns back around, stomping up the stairs and inside. I laugh, a sheepish sound and I shrug. “I figured that if I had asked you had a right to know how it was in my case too. I mean, with all the growing up on the street and all…”

I go quiet then, my mind going back on that one moment in my life I know I try to repress as much as I can. I stay quiet until we’re both inside. “I have to ask this, honestly. I figure it doesn’t count but does being molested count as being active?”

My words are so soft that for a second I think I’ve honestly just thought them and not uttered them. Cyrille’s arms settling over my shoulder proves that I did utter them and he just hugs my shoulder a moment as he head for the stairs. We’ll take them slow and I know it’s his way of just talking to me without anyone around though I wouldn’t have minded if Agni had heard and he’s probably up on our hallway already.

“Being molested is one thing, Mira. It doesn’t mean you’re sexually active. At least I sure as hell don’t see it as being sexually active. I see the whole thing as when you’re willingly with someone, doing things you want to be doing and not just being forced into them.” He pauses and his fingers squeeze my shoulder again. “If there’s anything you want to talk to me about, though you really don’t have to, I’m here to listen. I’m pretty sure if you’ve gone through something like this before, you’ve talked about it all before and you might not feel like talking about it again but you know.”

He shrugs and I smile, leaning closer to kiss his cheek as we step up on the second floor. The door to our home is opened and I step back to let him step in before me.

“Thanks, Cyrille. That means a lot.”

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